Lupus Complications Keep Me On A Hamster Wheel

I apologize for my lengthy leave of absence on my blog.  I have a rock-solid excuse.  There has been dissention in my body – lupus complications won’t stop plaguing me.  Those bastards!  An uprising of rebellion emerged in my body.

The strife began a few months ago with symptoms of mystery origin.  At random moments when I stand up, my head screams with unbearable pressure, the feeling of my legs vacate and I often feel like I may lose bladder.  Thankful that hasn’t happened – yet.  However, I’m keeping an eye out for sales on Poise products.

These new wayward lupus symptoms deflate my spirit.  

Lupus consistently reminds me of how fallible I am.  Enduring a series of medical tests, searching for answers proved wasteful, injecting doubt into my doctors’ eyes and into my heart.  We’re all flummoxed.  Therefore, I’ve assumed an indifference in my quest for the root cause and made peace with my body’s new “norm”.  It’s my obligatory coping.  This new normal exhibits many costumes of unpredictability, allowing fear to seep into every psychological particle of my being.

Please Join Me on The Lupus Hamster Wheel

For the past couple years, my health has been stuck in an unremitting loop of convalescing and deterioration.  I start to feel better and stronger, then something comes along and knocks me back.  I’m running on a hamster wheel (and not losing any weight in the process, thank you very much).  I hate to admit that at times I fear I’m fighting a losing battle.

In addition to my lupus complications, last year I endured two car accidents that were 5 weeks apart.  Both accidents were not my fault.  I sustained neck trauma and I had to endure months of physical therapy.  I’ve lost range of motion in my neck and struggle with daily, persistent pain.

I Just Want To Sleep!

Because of all this, sleeping has become a discouraging challenge. Finding a comfortable position for my neck is paramount to not waking up with neck pain or a headache.  So far, my success rate is low.  In my quest for soothing sleep, I bought a couple of pricey pillows and even a new bed.  I wish I could say my pursuit is over and I’ve found sleeping nirvana, but alas my painful symptoms persist.  Henceforth, my mission has been prolonged and I’m chasing my daydream of waking pain-free.

But Wait, There’s More Lupus Complications….

Perpetuating the trend of being knocked back, I recently started having seizures.  I never expected this affliction.  Who does?  Not that I sit waiting, with a detailed list in hand of fortuitous ailments that may affect me.  I was simply, unequivocally shocked!  Don’t even get me started on answering why I’m having seizure because I don’t know.  But here’s a hint – I’m on my 3rd neurologist chasing those elusive answers.

What the hell?  Haven’t I suffered enough already?  These seizures initiated an unremitting fear.  Henceforth, I’m constantly waiting for the next one to possess me.  Obsessive, panic-riddled thoughts augment my brittle self-reliance and my fading confidence.  Unwelcome questions fire at will inside my consciousness:  Where and when will the next seizure strike?  Will I be at home?  Will I be in public alone?  If I start to convulse in public, will someone steal my purse?  Consequently, I’m afraid to leave my home.  The seizures rob me of the scant independence I have.  A constant foreboding shadows me every day.  Agoraphobia taunts me now.  It often wins.

My future feels dour.  The strength that used to define my existence has been demoted to my alter ego and she rarely emerges anymore.  How do we satiate our desires to be well when our lupus riddled bodies languish in continuous deterioration?  Discouraging and infuriating!  My lupus complications are an unwelcome, nagging reminder of my finite mortality.  Perhaps my body’s constant dissidence is the pestilent course of my future.  God I hope not.