My Depression Speaks
“You’re a lazy blob.” The gremlins cackled.
“I’m not lazy, I have lupus.” I replied.
“Lupus shmoopus, you space waster. You’ve been perfecting that dent on the couch cushion with your bum for the past three weeks.” The monsters grumbled.
The above scenario is on a perpetual loop inside my head. I’m constantly trying to shut up the gremlins. I try drowning them with music, food, TV, YouTube cat videos, or any other distraction.
Lupus has robbed me of my physical and mental abilities to be active and productive in the ways I want to be. This disease is the perfect excuse to binge watch “Pitbulls and Parolees” and eat Bon Bons. Do they even make Bon Bons anymore? Does lupus give me a lifetime pass to be lazy? If nothing else, I should at least get a daily nap-pass.
Where Did I Go?
With the ever increasing list of the loss of my normal activities (dancing, exercising, socializing, and more recently giving up working full-time) I see my old self slipping away. I’ve lost who I used to be. I just want to cry or to mourn my old self, but I just need to let the old me go. I need to relearn my capabilities, focus on what I can do, not what I’ve lost.
You know what? I can’t fake one more happy thought. I’m pissed off. I don’t want to be positive today. I miss my old self. I used to be cute and bubbly. I used to be someone who had it together. That has changed. I’m not reliable anymore. I’m cranky and sometimes, I can’t stand to be around myself. I can’t count how many times I’ve had to cancel plans because I was not feeling well. And when did anxiety possess me? Was it overnight or gradual?
The more I give into the lupus symptoms and let them take over me, by being lazy or giving up activities, I believe the disease monsters are winning. I will not let lupus win, so I keep fighting. Lately, though, it seems to be a losing battle. I have to constantly re-adapt with every lupus symptom that surfaces: migraines, joint pain, constant fatigue, depression, anxiety, etc. It’s beyond frustrating. I sit here with so many dreams and wishes that go unfilled because I don’t have the energy and physical stamina anymore. I don’t want sympathy. I certainly don’t want pity. I simply want you to know that if you can relate, you are not alone.
We’re In This Together
Lupus is hard. Lupus hurts: physically, emotionally, mentally, psychologically, etc. I don’t have it figured out. Sometimes I feel like I can’t keep it together and I’m going to fall apart physically and emotionally. As I write this, I want to cry, but I’m in an infusion center and I hate crying in public, so I’m willing my eyes to suck my tears back into my eyeballs. Who knew I had this super power?
If you can relate and feel depressed, trust me you are not alone. Many lupus patients experience some form of depression. According to lupus.org, between 15-60% of patients with a chronic illness may experience a clinical form of depression. I don’t know what brought on my depression, the disease symptoms (unbearable pain, chronic pain, extreme fatigue, brain fog, etc.), or the loss of my former self. It’s probably a combination of all factors.
My depression escalated 
to a concerning degree, so I got medical help through medication and therapy. If you are depressed at any level, please get help. There is no shame in asking for help. None of us can do this lupus life alone, so reach out. Ask for help, ask for compassion, ask for strength, ask for relief from the pain, ask for whatever you need.
But I Don’t Want To
The most important thing I’ve learned from my depression is that I have to kick my own butt. Not in a mean way, but in a drill sergeant way. Even though when I’m depressed, all I want to do is bask in my melancholy, I can’t let myself. I have to force, bribe (yes, I bribe myself – I’m not proud), whatever works to get me moving into the direction of motivation. I find that once I’m up and engaged in some activity, about half way through, the depression cloud starts dissipating. So, kick your butt if your depressed; get moving, even though you don’t want to. Trust me, your feelings will soon improve. An awesome thing to do to lift you out of your depression is to volunteer somewhere to help out those in need and you will help your mood and lift theirs.
A Thin Silver Lining
There are little pockets of time when my physical pain is bearable. There are even tiny moments when I’m pain free (break for happy dance – I’ll admit I can bust a crazy good running man). One thing lupus taught me, is how strong we all are. I have lived through pain so excruciating that I was sure I would die. Yet I survived and the next time the pain reaches that level again, I know I can endure it. Now when my body is aching and hurting, I remind myself that it is temporary and it will pass.
One thing I have realized is even though I occasionally have to cancel plans or reschedule an appointment, no one has ever given me grief over it. Everyone is always understanding. Besides, if someone wasn’t forgiving and kind about me having to reschedule, I probably wouldn’t want that person in my life.
Lupus has shown me how kind and compassionate people can be. Lupus has taught me how to rely on friends and family for help. Lupus even dictates that I be lazy (more often than I’d like, but that’s okay). I’ll keep fighting the lupus gremlins because I’m stubborn and determined to be as active as possible. Plus I’m fighting for more time with family, friends, and the experience of giving and receiving love. I hope you keep fighting because I know you are worth it.
Here are some resources to get help if you are experiencing depression:
- WebMD has links to find local support, resources, and doctors in your area
- The Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA) offers online support groups, information about depression, anxiety and related disorders, as well as a search directory for finding therapists in your local area (including international options).
- You can also check with your health insurance for help finding a provider
Pictures courtesy of Pixabay
You can learn more about the author Stacey on the Lupus Crazy blog home page